Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
