As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
