the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
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we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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