upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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