AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
