I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
