There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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