I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
