Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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