The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
