Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The uberlube is also flammable
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
