I can't breathe out the right side of my face
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize