I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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