the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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