I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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