what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
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Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
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Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.