This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
