I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I want her autograph on my taint
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
