Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
