she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
