Why does Corona taste like a burp?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
