My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
