it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I didn't notice because vodka
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
