did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
too bad you live with your parents still
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Randomize
