I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
