I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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