matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
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She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
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"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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