Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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