Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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