As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
