somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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