it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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