There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
