I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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