She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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