his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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