someone get that fucking seahorse.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
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