my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
