i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
pop tarts are not kleenex
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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