just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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