She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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