I checked into jail on foursquare
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
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Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
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