Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you still have your period?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
