doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
