I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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