dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
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It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
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I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Who died my cat blue again?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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