get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
