Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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