Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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