youre lurking in front of me
from now on my penis is your penis
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
