The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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