The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My liver just had a heart attack.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
