So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
