I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
