"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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