Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Randomize
